One of the guests was a young divorcee who seemed particularly interested in a certain trick I did. She said she'd do anything if only I would tell...
To be a great magician
was what appealed to me.
Another Harry Blackstone
was who I thought I'd be.
The neighbors were my audience,
the kids especially.
I'd put a little show on,
and it would be for free.
But once when I was fourteen,
I was asked to do a show
for a grown-up kind of party,
where the drinks made people glow.
My color-changing necktie
and my disappearing dice
had everyone applauding.
They really were quite nice.
But when the show was over,
and time for me to leave
a gal with a martini
came tugging at my sleeve.
She pulled me very close and said,
"Hey - you're not leaving yet...
I watched you very carefully,
and there's something I don't get."
"The way you made that goldfish bowl
just vanish in thin air...
Your clever little secret
I think with me you'll share."
"Well," I said, "I'm sorry.
I'm sure you'll understand...
Professional trade secrets..."
That's when I felt her hand
go somewhere that it shouldn't go -
I gave a little yelp.
She said, "You need to loosen up,
and with me you'll have some help."
I said, "It's the Magician's Code -
there's nothing I can do."
She nudged me through a door and smiled,
"I want to talk to you."
She closed the door behind her
as she cooed, "Now just relax.
About that missing goldfish bowl -
I just want to know the facts."
I had to keep the secret
and not let down my guard
but found this not the only thing
that now was getting hard.
She sat me on this big soft bed
and said, "Let's try again.
Say - I have seen some cuter guys,
but can't remember when."
"Here, taste my dry martini -
you see, I love to share
And by the way, how do you like
my ravishing red hair?"
"In case you might be wondering
if it is really red
there's just one way of finding out,"
with flashing eyes, she said.
"Well, I'll just take your word for it.
I really have to go."
"Oh, come on little man, calm down -
you know you want to know."
"And, say, it's awfully warm in here -
would you unzip my dress?"
I tried to stand and move away -
but felt her fingers press
Around the thing that now was feeling
like it would explode.
Just one more squeeze and I was sure
that I would...
(shoot, I think I've said enough here).
I took her wrist and moved her hand,
but it just wouldn't stay.
"I think that I've embarrassed you -
but I see that you're not gay."
"Well, no I'm not - but still in all
you know I'm just fourteen."
"Gee, you would be my youngest yet.
I like them when they're green."
Well, that got me to thinking,
you've got to start some time.
And just to have a little fun -
could this be called a crime?
She dimmed the lamp and asked if I'd
feel better with less light.
"Here, let me take your jacket.
Tonight could be your night."
Well, I had heard the reasons why
this thing I shouldn't do.
But found resistence weakening -
could not hold back - could you?
Well, she had pulled her skirt up
and was showing me her thighs,
When all at once a voice rang out,
saying, "Hey in there, you guys!"
"I don't know what you're doing,
but you're missin' lots of stuff."
"We're playin' Spin the Bottle,
and it's gettin' kinda rough."
Well, that was all we needed,
and so my story's told.
And losing my virginity
would now be put on hold.
(That night I held it a lot.)
Speaking of Magic...
There was a time when I used to post writings
on some AOL Poetry & Story Boards,
where a "Topic of the Week" is suggested
as a theme for each week's postings.
One week the topic was "Magic" and this is
what gave me the idea for posting the poem
you see to the left (a true story about
something that happened when I was 14).
Anyway, for no particular reason, I was
in the mood for composing limericks that week -
so I posted the silliness you see below.
A macho magician named SteveUsed to hide many things up his sleeve.
He once took a chance,
Hid a rat in his pants
Now he sounds like his wife Genevieve.
An abusive magician named EdUsed to stick a fake knife in his head.
His wife, on a whim
Gave a steak knife to him,
And his widow looks lovely in red.
A sorcerer high on a hill
Said, "My tub with water I'll fill."
But he sent this dumb mouse
That he found 'round the house
Then said, "That damned Disney I'll kill!"
A magician's assistant named Dee
Said her boss with his hands was too free.
She replaced in his hat
One rabbit with rat
With less fingers he now lets her be.
A sorcerer over the hill
Said "My dreams I now will fulfill."
He then cast a spell
On his trainee named Nell
But yawned when his wand just lied still.
A hungry old gypsy named Fay
Had a client who just wouldn't pay.
She cast him a spell,
He started to jell,
And went well with bananas that day.
A horny old gypsy named May
Had a stud for a client one day.
She said, "Look in my eyes..."
Then did hypnotize.
That boy's still her toy to this day
A nasty old witch named LucilleDecided some children to steal.
But their video games
Blew her brain into flames.
Now she can't keep her broomstick on keel.
A nearsighted witch full of wine
Flew into a high tension line.
The birds were surprised
When she just vaporized.
But the birdies are now feeling fine.
(And flying a little higher...)
This nymph, who would one day be queenHad kissed every frog she had seen.
She had plenty of love,
But, heavens above,
Died of old age at nineteen.
To the fairest of fair GwenevereStaying virginal was her great fear.
This frog in the mud,
When kissed, turned to stud,
Sighing, "My dear - would Boy George be near?"
One week the topic was BIRTH,
so I contributed the following...
I find that I'm rolling in mirthTo think there might be on this earth
A word that is worth
My rhyming with birth
Except maybe pregnancy's girth.
Another week the topic was SPRING...
A restless young housewife named SpringWould clean out her house every spring.
While clearing the house,
She'd toss out her spouse
And look for a guy with more spring.
And finally, this...
My limericks were written in haste.You say they were done in bad taste?
If a limerick's too nice
And lacking in spice,
Then reading it's really a waste.